The Breaking Point

I wrote this about a week ago and decided to sit on it for a little while. I wrote it for my benefit and doing so has helped me immensely, but now its time to share it with you. So here it goes:

Life is full to the brim with morals to stories. Everyone focuses on what they learned from their trials and they always share those lessons after the fact. They are always uplifting and give hope and faith to those who listen.  Right now, you are going to hear a story that has no moral. The story hasn’t found its end yet.

It is my story.

It starts five years ago when I married Darin. Oh my heavens, did I love that boy! And I have grown to love him more every single day. Don’t get me wrong, there were days I didn’t want to love him. We have struggled with our relationship and keeping it afloat. But here we are, five years later and I love him more than ever. He is the best person for me to share my life with.

But this story isn’t about us as a couple, it is about us as a family. Our little family of two (plus a dog). I was 19 when we got married and everyone asked us if we would have kids right away. I used to joke that even though I was married, I didn’t want to be a teen mother. So we waited. We spent our first 1 ½ years in Rexburg, ID. I graduated from cosmetology school and he got his freshman and sophomore years of college done. Then we moved on to Provo, UT for Darin to finish his Bachelor’s. Shortly after moving to Provo the time came. With a lot of coercion from me, the goalie was fired and we dropped ourselves into the “We are trying!” category. We weren’t going crazy with trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. Darin was still pretty scared and it was nerve racking for both of us. We decided to just let nature do its thing. Months passed and I had a brief encounter with a hemorrhagic cyst on one of my ovaries. It was nothing to be concerned about, I was told it would go away and that it wouldn't leave any damage.

Then we came to the one year mark. The dreaded YEAR. The goalie had been fired a year prior and there was nothing new. 

Then two years passed…

 and then three.

Three years of my life have been spent in this constant state of wondering. I know some of you might be wondering, have we been tested? What have we done to improve our chances? Testing is a lot of money and Darin has no insurance. And for those of you who have had issues with getting pregnant know, scheduled sex is about the least sexy thing to think about. However, we have just started on the scary path of being tested. (So far, so good)

A month hasn’t passed when I haven’t been sad. Somehow I have always remained hopeful and I hate it. Part of me wishes that I could just let go and not care. It would be easier than dealing with this kind of pain. But here I am every month, just as hopeful as the month before. And I am always disappointed.

People always say that it will happen when you stop worrying about it. This is my response:  I can’t stop, I can’t let it go. I wish with all my heart that I could let it go. But I want to have children. I have this pit in my stomach that knows MY children are up in heaven waiting to come to us. There is a part of my heart that they are holding. I won’t be complete until I can hold my babies in my arms.

Today was the breaking point that has been a week in the making. I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t get it out of my mind. And I am sitting here with my head literally spinning. I can barely sit in my chair for fear of falling out of it. I am dizzy, I am crying and I feel utterly empty.

This is the breaking point.

I am sick and tired to pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I am sick and tired of acting like it doesn't matter. It matters to me.

I am sick and tired of being hopeful. I am hopeful.

I am sick of shoving my pain deep down inside because I know that there are people in this world who have bigger trials than me. I have always put it away and never dealt with it. But I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe sharing it with you will help me deal with it.

I am ashamed, and I don’t know why.

I so desperately want to be a mother.

So there it is. There is no moral to this story. It is just the story of me reaching my breaking point.

I am broken.

However, there are a few things I can be certain of. I have the love of an amazing, supportive husband. I have the love of my wonderful family. I have incredible friends who have been an unwavering strength to me (even though most of them don’t know this part of my story). I also have the best dog in the world. She is so intuitive and (as anyone who has met her can attest) she is sweeter than pie. She has been my constant companion.

But most importantly, I have the love of my Savior. He is the only one who truly knows my struggles and knows how I feel. No matter how broken I am, I always feel His love for me.

If there is any moral to this story, it isn't for me. It is for you. Here is your take-away: Never, ever ask someone if/when/how they will have children. Don’t ask when their next kid is coming. Don’t ask why they don’t have one yet. Don’t ask them why they don’t have more. Don’t ask them anything about their plans for children. It is absolutely NONE of your business. There are some people who are completely open and some who are not. Let them dictate when and what they share. Asking them before they are ready to share could make them a liar. And I have lied to people. I have said that we aren't trying, that we aren't sure when we will have kids, or that we want to wait. It was my choice to lie. But I beg of you, don’t put them in that place where they have to choose between lying or telling you before they are ready. And if you know someone in this kind of situation, don't tell them "Oh, I'm sure you will have kids!" You aren't sure, you don't know. 

But now that this is out in the open, please don't be afraid to talk to me. I am a fairly open book in most respects. I think I am afraid that people will treat me differently or tread lightly on the topic of children. I once had had a friend apologize to me because she was pregnant (no joke). I am always happy when my amazing friends have babies. Children are a wonderful blessing. I will have my chance to be a mother one way or another. 

God never promised any of us that our faith and righteousness will keep us free from trials. He promised us that through our righteousness and through our Savior, we will have happiness beyond comprehension. 

Just a some pictures from our 5th Anniversary in August

A Political Series: Part 1 - Abortion

Here is the beginning of my Political Series. I have really enjoyed expanding my political views lately and even feeling a little "fire of change" growing inside me. This first topic I'm covering is a little less political for me. Although, it must be addressed politically if there is to be a change. For me, it a question of morals and our God-given human rights. It is something I always knew was wrong but not until lately have I really come to feel so strongly about it.

So here it is: Abortion. I once heard someone say that they don't want to change abortion law, but that they want the existing laws about murder to apply to everyone. I love that statement. Being Pro-Life is not about abortion laws, it's about recognizing that everyone is a person, even unborn children. In my research, I am constantly awed at the extent of life these children have from the earliest weeks of their lives. Life never started when we emerged from the womb. It started a long time before that. Whether you believe in a life before this world or that this Earth is all there is, a child is living before he/she takes that first breath. I asked some mothers to share their thoughts about having life growing inside of them. Their remarks are amazing and you can read them here.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that women should give up their lives to turn their uterus into a baby factory. I believe that children should ideally be brought into this world with both parents being fully committed to raising and caring for their children. It is up to the parents to decide how many children they will have and when they will have them. I know that a lot of Pro-Abortion activists believe that a woman has a right to her body (which is a very fair statement) and that she has a right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. However, she already made her "Choice" when she had sex. She gave up the right to her body by engaging in sex which is emotionally and anatomically designed to create children, in addition to being an expression of love between two people. Can you see why I hate the term "Pro-Choice"?

When did our society change to a place where pregnancy is disease that needs to be eradicated, or that pregnancy is an undesired side-effect of sex? When did a child become something that will ruin our lives? There was a time when even an unplanned pregnancy was something to be excited about because people understood that a child is a blessing. Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is no option of NOT having sex. Society believes that sex is just what you do throughout the normal course of life. Take some responsibility when you engage in an act that is designed to create children! Don't have sex unless you are willing to deal with what might happen. I won't even go as far to say "deal with the consequences" because that implies that having a baby is a punishment. If getting pregnant would result in you having an abortion, then you shouldn't be having sex. I'm not saying that you should exclusively have sex only when you are trying to get pregnant, but don't do it if you aren't willing to accept that you might get a baby as a result. There are alternatives to abortion if you aren't ready to be a parent. Many amazing couples are in want of a family and would be ecstatic if they were given the opportunity to raise your child.

I knew a girl a few years ago who was 18 and trapped in a terribly abusive marriage. She was able to get out of that marriage after several horrible months with help from her family. Shortly after she left, she found out she was pregnant with her abuser's child. However, she miscarried and lost that baby. Many people told her that she must have been relieved, now she could fully sever all ties to that man... But for her, it wasn't a relief. She grieved for that child, as most mothers would at the loss of her child. I would dare any Pro-Abortion person to tell this mother, or any mother grieving a miscarriage, "Your loss wasn't really a loss. You dodged the bullet of parenthood. It was only a clump of cells, meaningless tissue that wasn't ever a real child."  Many times people will use this following phrase in reference to a pregnancy, "There is life growing inside you." But if the pregnancy is unwanted, it is no longer deemed as the aforementioned “life”. How is it that a change in perspective will make ending someone’s life acceptable? Just because a baby is unwanted, doesn't mean that their life is less valuable than a child whose parents want to keep their child.

I remember a few years back going to the "Bodies" exhibit at the museum we lived near. You know the one... they have all kinds of preserved dead bodies showing the different systems of the body like muscles, organs etc. Well, they had a section of the exhibit about fetal development. In the exhibit they had preserved babies of all stages of fetal development. It was a bit overwhelming for me but I was glad to learn that none of the babies in the exhibit were acquired by terminating a pregnancy. However, it was very enlightening. Even in the earliest weeks of life, these babies start looking like little humans. They have tiny eyes, a defined head/body, little arms and legs etc. This is only further proof to me that there is true life in each and every unborn child, and not just a clump of tissue. I encourage you to read this story about a woman's conversion to being Pro-Life when she witnessed an "ultrasound-guided abortion."

Often times people will bring up the question, "What if the pregnancy was a result of rape or incest? What if the baby won't live past birth or if delivering the baby will result in the mother's death?" In my religion we have the following explanation:

"Some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer." (www.lds.org)

And while I support this statement, I strongly believe that a woman who has been raped or was impregnated incestuously, can find a little beacon of light in that horrible situation by bringing that baby into this world and giving him or her to a loving family who will care for it. I have read some very touching articles about mothers who have been in these situations (both rape and incest) and found great joy knowing that they saved a life and made a family complete. I have also read about a 17 year old mother who had an unplanned pregnancy and made the choice to continue with her pregnancy only to find out her baby girl had a condition causing the brain and skull to not fully develop. The prognosis was bleak and these young parents knew that their baby would not live past birth. The doctors strongly advised her to abort the pregnancy but she knew that there was a living child in her womb. Here is a piece of her story. "No matter what, she was my daughter. There was a life inside of me and I couldn't just take that away from her. She didn't choose to have this happen to her, so how could I choose to end her life to save myself from more heartache? The bottom line was simple. She was alive, she had a life and it was my job as a mother to give her the best life she could possibly have." Her daughter was stillborn at 35 weeks, but had lived a peaceful and happy life for those 35 weeks inside her mother's womb. I couldn't imagine the strength it took for a 17 year old girl to make that choice. And though I would encourage a mother in any of these situations to continue with her pregnancy, I will never scorn or ridicule anyone for whatever choice they make if this burden was placed before them.

Like I said at the very beginning, this is more of a moral topic than a political one. I have some very strong opinions about politics and government. However, there is a line between opinion and what is morally wrong. Abortion is part of the latter category. It falls in the same group as stealing, murder, child abuse and the like. Most people know that those kinds of things are wrong but somehow abortion has slipped under the line and is now viewed by most of the population as opinion. In most cases, if a doctor knowingly kills his/her patient, it's classified as murder. How can someone like Scott Peterson be charged with TWO murders for killing his wife and subsequently killing their unborn son that she was carrying, but a mother and the doctor performing her abortion are not punishable as murders?

I would like to encourage anyone reading this to truly think about their feelings on the subject of abortion. Do you have your own children, nieces or nephews, grand children etc.? At one time, those precious little ones you love so dearly were no different than millions of other babies who lost their opportunity at life. God has given us the amazing gift of bringing children to this world. Let's take responsibility for our actions and do what is right. Get involved and stand up for what you believe in. I was so nervous about this post. I was afraid of offending someone or having people retaliate against me for what I believe in. But there comes a time where we will all need to decide if our self-interest is so strong that we won’t stand up for what we know is right.

A Few Mothers Share Their Feelings About Creating Life

From a 29 year old mother, 18 weeks pregnant with her first child

"There is a heart beat, a brain, it's moving and stretching its legs, arms, fingers, toes. It's growing, like a plant or tree and people are more concerned about saving trees. It's amazing to watch it grow and me. I haven't felt it move yet, just seen it move in the sonogram. I think it is amazing what is happening inside me right now, when you stop to think about it. Life starts when the egg and sperm connect, it's growing from that point on. Creating a life is the most important amazing thing a woman can do. The ultimate sacrifice. You are creating another life!! How is that not God like? It's the closest to being a God/Goddess in this life. He created us, we create our children."

From a 24 year old mother with two young children, a 2 year old boy and a 2 month old girl

"I think that when conception happens a soul is assigned to us, but I guess in a more worldly view I would say that is when a heart starts beating. Babies move when they hear their mom's voice, music soothes them, I have no idea why people wouldn't consider them to be people. I've heard women say that they have the right to end it whenever because they are 'the host' of this baby. How about ' the mother'? Babies are being treated like parasites just so their mothers can't say that they murdered their own flesh and blood... You should Google this news article about this catholic hospital. The woman died giving birth to twins and the husband sued. The hospital lawyers said that they would only count the mom because the babies had not been born therefore they were not people..."

From a 25 year old mother with two little girls, ages 6 and 2 1/2 (Was 18 when she was pregnant with her first)

"For starters, the second I see two lines on a pee stick, my thoughts say, 'I'm pregnant.' So what does pregnant mean? You have created life. A life of another being. That being is not your body. That being has its own body, and whether you see it as a tiny spec or a full grown human, it is real and you created it. I do not feel that it is 'mine' so much as 'I am now responsible for this life.' Why do you think you yourself have rights of your own body? Because you are a life and you were created. You are not your mothers body. And your child is not your body. It's time to grow up and be responsible for that child the second you see those two positive lines, whether that be by changing your life to make room for a healthy environment for the baby, or finding a family that will (because there are plenty willing). Looking at my kids now with their personalities and their sweet little faces, it boggles my mind that they were both once 'just tissue worth nothing.' If 'just tissue' can become what I have created, every life deserves to be saved."

From a 54 year old mother with 4 children and 4 grandchildren

"I can't remember at what point it happens, but when I first felt that little flutter I knew there was a person there. As things progress, especially the latter part, when there is a lot of movement, it is obviously a live being. And towards the end, each one showed some symptoms of individuality & personality: responding differently to outside influences, being still and moving at different times of the day, for example. One of my sons would take his little foot and would push out near my ribcage, and when I would push it back, he would push more. It was like we were playing together & he was actively participating. Definitely a person."

From a 26 year old mother with a 9 month old son

"I was 16 weeks along when I saw my son for the first time in my ultrasound and that day I quit running because I was worried of shaking him up too much! I realized that there was an actual person I was responsible for in there. Around 24 weeks I felt real movements that were very much not my own, but a different, unique organism that acted on his own. And I can't tell you how many times I felt his hiccups rumbling my womb from his own separate body. Though we were conjoined by the umbilical cord, and he was relying on me for life, I felt throughout my pregnancy the unique life that was inside of me. I have never thought abortion to be particularly moral, but, after carrying and birthing a child, I find it very immoral."

From a 25 year old mother with a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 6 month old boy, she has also suffered a miscarriage

"I truly believe that life begins at conception. With my daughter, I saw and heard her heart beat at 8 weeks pregnant. With my son, I heard and saw his heart beat at 5 1/2 weeks. How people can think something is not living when it has a beating heart is beyond me! Not only do they have beating hearts but you can watch them squirm and move around on a sonogram long before you can feel them! My daughter used to play a game with me starting right from the time I first felt her, she'd stick her foot way out (to to point it was painful for me) until I would rub her foot, then she'd retract it back in really fast. She would do it for hours on end. Not only are they alive but they FEEL. Babies develop personalities when you're pregnant with them as well. When I was pregnant with my son I would rub my belly when he would get restless, to this day he still likes me to rub his belly to help him fall asleep. Anytime I was in a loud setting or music would play when I was pregnant with my daughter, she would get REALLY active. She loved it and still does. She was and is feisty.The argument that 'a fetus cannot survive outside of the mother' makes me SO angry! A full term baby can't survive without the care of an adult either, and let me tell you, it is a whole lot easy to care for the child when it's still inside you. For that matter, children in general cannot survive without the care of an adult for several years! There are THOUSANDS of amazing couples that would be AMAZING parents that cannot have children of their own. To say the baby isn't wanted is asinine, the baby IS wanted, maybe not by the birth parents but there are people who WANT the baby. Adoption is just so much the better answer. I know what it's like to feel a baby move, I've seen the heart beat very early on. I also know the heart wrenching anguish of staring at that sonogram screen praying for a miracle and the doctor confirming your greatest fear and telling you there is no heart beat, that you've miscarried. How anyone can knowingly kill a living baby, just kills me. Because they are living."

Gratitude, what a funny thing...

So funny story: I woke up this morning with an overwhelming amount of gratitude for my family. It isn't actually "funny," but it was unexpected (not that I shouldn't be grateful, but just because I haven't had a feeling quite like this before). So, I thought I would take a few minutes before I head off to work to tell everyone how grateful I am. I have some amazing parents, siblings and the best husband. My parents and I have butted heads a lot in the past, but I know I would not be the person I am if they hadn't pushed me there.
I don't think there are many people in this world who can say that their mom is their best friend. It wasn't always that way, but it is now. A mom should be a mom when her kids are young, and be a best friend when they grow up. And my mom has done exactly that. I can talk to my mom about pretty much anything and she is the only person on this planet who understands my quirky sense of humor (she should know, I got it from her). Even though we are completely different people and have different personalities, she and I have a very special bond that cannot be compared to anything else. She is my one and only mom.
My dad is quite the conundrum. But even though we drive each other up the wall, he still gives some pretty dang good advice and has this insane sixth sense about the world. He gives some of the best hugs in the world and always wants to spoil his little girl. :) I can't complain about that. My dad always pushed me to be better and gave me some of the best marriage advice ever, even though it wasn't till years later that I fully understood what he meant. He set an amazing example for my brothers about what it means to be the head of the household. And that led me to know what I wanted in a husband. He is my dad, and I am his favorite daughter.
As for my  brothers, they can be little devils a lot of the time. But I am proud to say that they are all good men and have grown up exceptionally well. I don't think I would be the person I am today if they hadn't mooned me constantly, shaved my Barbie's heads, made their GI Joes wage war on Barbie, and everything else they did to make me cry when I was little. They taught me to be tough. I don't think any girl could have come out of my family without some thick skin. And as much as I love my brothers, they have also given me three of the most amazing sisters-in-law. All of my brothers scored out of their league when it came to finding wives. They are all different and they all fit into our family perfectly. I never had any sisters of my own, but I am certainly grateful for the sisters-in-law that I have been blessed with.
There aren't enough words in the English language to express how much gratitude I have for my husband. He is an amazing example to me. I am an incomplete person on my own and he makes me whole. Although we are both stubborn as hell, we are finding a way to make it work. It is definitely hard and doesn't come without trial and error, but it is 100% worth every minute. He is a rock when I am tossed around in the sea and whenever I find my way to him, life gives me something to hold on to. I thank God every day for sending this wonderful man into my life.
It wouldn't be fair to not mention Macy. I know my mom is rolling her eyes right now as she reads this. She doesn't quite understand the happiness that dog has brought into my life. Macy has the sweetest disposition and she is the one that I can ALWAYS talk to. She gets me up in the mornings when I don't want to get up. She plays and cuddles and gives me kisses when I am sad. Even though she is a bit of a money pit (that dog is always getting into some kind of trouble), I am so happy that we got her and that she is the one we picked out instead of some different dog.

So to wrap all this up, all of these blessings come from one place. My Heavenly Father has given me the most amazing family and I thank Him for the way my life has turned out. It wasn't always what I thought I wanted, but I know He knows better and that I am where I am supposed to be. There is no one in existence who knows me better than my Father. I have an all-encompassing love for my family and I hope they read this, because I am not the best at expressing these things out loud. I love you guys and I can't wait to spend eternity with all of you. We are an eternal family.