The Breaking Point

I wrote this about a week ago and decided to sit on it for a little while. I wrote it for my benefit and doing so has helped me immensely, but now its time to share it with you. So here it goes:

Life is full to the brim with morals to stories. Everyone focuses on what they learned from their trials and they always share those lessons after the fact. They are always uplifting and give hope and faith to those who listen.  Right now, you are going to hear a story that has no moral. The story hasn’t found its end yet.

It is my story.

It starts five years ago when I married Darin. Oh my heavens, did I love that boy! And I have grown to love him more every single day. Don’t get me wrong, there were days I didn’t want to love him. We have struggled with our relationship and keeping it afloat. But here we are, five years later and I love him more than ever. He is the best person for me to share my life with.

But this story isn’t about us as a couple, it is about us as a family. Our little family of two (plus a dog). I was 19 when we got married and everyone asked us if we would have kids right away. I used to joke that even though I was married, I didn’t want to be a teen mother. So we waited. We spent our first 1 ½ years in Rexburg, ID. I graduated from cosmetology school and he got his freshman and sophomore years of college done. Then we moved on to Provo, UT for Darin to finish his Bachelor’s. Shortly after moving to Provo the time came. With a lot of coercion from me, the goalie was fired and we dropped ourselves into the “We are trying!” category. We weren’t going crazy with trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. Darin was still pretty scared and it was nerve racking for both of us. We decided to just let nature do its thing. Months passed and I had a brief encounter with a hemorrhagic cyst on one of my ovaries. It was nothing to be concerned about, I was told it would go away and that it wouldn't leave any damage.

Then we came to the one year mark. The dreaded YEAR. The goalie had been fired a year prior and there was nothing new. 

Then two years passed…

 and then three.

Three years of my life have been spent in this constant state of wondering. I know some of you might be wondering, have we been tested? What have we done to improve our chances? Testing is a lot of money and Darin has no insurance. And for those of you who have had issues with getting pregnant know, scheduled sex is about the least sexy thing to think about. However, we have just started on the scary path of being tested. (So far, so good)

A month hasn’t passed when I haven’t been sad. Somehow I have always remained hopeful and I hate it. Part of me wishes that I could just let go and not care. It would be easier than dealing with this kind of pain. But here I am every month, just as hopeful as the month before. And I am always disappointed.

People always say that it will happen when you stop worrying about it. This is my response:  I can’t stop, I can’t let it go. I wish with all my heart that I could let it go. But I want to have children. I have this pit in my stomach that knows MY children are up in heaven waiting to come to us. There is a part of my heart that they are holding. I won’t be complete until I can hold my babies in my arms.

Today was the breaking point that has been a week in the making. I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t get it out of my mind. And I am sitting here with my head literally spinning. I can barely sit in my chair for fear of falling out of it. I am dizzy, I am crying and I feel utterly empty.

This is the breaking point.

I am sick and tired to pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I am sick and tired of acting like it doesn't matter. It matters to me.

I am sick and tired of being hopeful. I am hopeful.

I am sick of shoving my pain deep down inside because I know that there are people in this world who have bigger trials than me. I have always put it away and never dealt with it. But I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe sharing it with you will help me deal with it.

I am ashamed, and I don’t know why.

I so desperately want to be a mother.

So there it is. There is no moral to this story. It is just the story of me reaching my breaking point.

I am broken.

However, there are a few things I can be certain of. I have the love of an amazing, supportive husband. I have the love of my wonderful family. I have incredible friends who have been an unwavering strength to me (even though most of them don’t know this part of my story). I also have the best dog in the world. She is so intuitive and (as anyone who has met her can attest) she is sweeter than pie. She has been my constant companion.

But most importantly, I have the love of my Savior. He is the only one who truly knows my struggles and knows how I feel. No matter how broken I am, I always feel His love for me.

If there is any moral to this story, it isn't for me. It is for you. Here is your take-away: Never, ever ask someone if/when/how they will have children. Don’t ask when their next kid is coming. Don’t ask why they don’t have one yet. Don’t ask them why they don’t have more. Don’t ask them anything about their plans for children. It is absolutely NONE of your business. There are some people who are completely open and some who are not. Let them dictate when and what they share. Asking them before they are ready to share could make them a liar. And I have lied to people. I have said that we aren't trying, that we aren't sure when we will have kids, or that we want to wait. It was my choice to lie. But I beg of you, don’t put them in that place where they have to choose between lying or telling you before they are ready. And if you know someone in this kind of situation, don't tell them "Oh, I'm sure you will have kids!" You aren't sure, you don't know. 

But now that this is out in the open, please don't be afraid to talk to me. I am a fairly open book in most respects. I think I am afraid that people will treat me differently or tread lightly on the topic of children. I once had had a friend apologize to me because she was pregnant (no joke). I am always happy when my amazing friends have babies. Children are a wonderful blessing. I will have my chance to be a mother one way or another. 

God never promised any of us that our faith and righteousness will keep us free from trials. He promised us that through our righteousness and through our Savior, we will have happiness beyond comprehension. 

Just a some pictures from our 5th Anniversary in August