Goodbyes.... SUCK!

This week has been extra fun and busy! One thing I love about Christmas time is that I always seem to have lots of fun things to do mixed in with lots of the normal, busy stuff!

Macy and Girl's Night
Monday was officially crazy. After work, I jetted to the other side of Portland for Macy's two-week appointment with the surgeon. Dr. Kramer says that she is doing great and healing nicely! Such great news for us. She will have another check-up at 6 weeks with an x-ray to make sure the plate, screws and bones are where they need to be! After the appointment, I hurried back home for a quick Mac & Cheese dinner with Darin before heading out again for Girl's Night with all my friends. We always go to Applebee's, squeeze into our corner booth, share some appetizers and desserts and stay till they kick us out! There are few things better than recharging and hanging out with my girls! <3

Don't mind our crazy faces!

White Elephant
I am part of the committee at church that is in charge of planning activities. This month's activity happened to fall on Tuesday this week so I rushed home from work to get things ready. We had planned a dinner for the ladies to bring a favorite soup or dessert to share. We also had a White Elephant gift exchange and who doesn't love having a good laugh? Of course, I came down with a cold Tuesday morning so I didn't enjoy it very much... Mercifully, my cold only lasted about a day and a half. I swear, I am constantly sick since moving to Portland!

Date Night!
Wednesday was the night of my hot date with Kira! She decided to be pure evil and move away, so we planned a dinner out for just the two of us! We were planning to go to Red Robin (yum!) but I saw a sign for Olive Garden on the way home from work, and it was like divine intervention. I love me some Olive Garden! Kira is my best friend and I love her to PIECES!! We have only been friends for a short while, but we really are kindred spirits. I am so happy for her and Tim, they get to move on to bigger and better things. They really do deserve it! I just want to be selfish and keep her to myself. No one in Salmon, ID will love her like I do!

Soul Mates <3

Graduations and Starbucks
Kira's husband, Tim just graduated from Chiropractic school (yes the same one that Darin is attending). He has been treating me for the last few months at the school clinic and he is an excellent doctor! Thursday night, Kira planned a little graduation party for him with cake, balloons and all their moving boxes. It was so cool to see him all finished with school and moving on to practicing as a real doctor! After cake and congratulations, I headed out for a mini-girls night with my Chiro Trio! A few months back, Kira, Krystal and I started doing occasional Starbucks runs late at night. And of course, we had to go one last time before Kira moved! Kira got the three of us matching bracelets. I love these girls so much! I really have made some of the best friends since moving to Portland. <3

Best Friends for Eternity!

Never Live on the Third Floor on Friday the 13th
I have never been one to give much credit to Friday the 13th, but man this was a good one. My car broke down on the way to work. But luckily, I was almost there and was able to make it all the way. I had to call Darin and have him drive out and figure out what was wrong with it. A really LONG story short, we had to get it towed to a shop to get the water pump replaced (hopefully that is all they have to do). After work, we went to help Kira pack up the moving truck and all that goes with that. But did I mention, she lives on the third floor? Ugh! I'll keep my first floor apartment, thank you!

Third Floor Again??
Saturday was a little bit more restful... just a little. I got some laundry done and started my crockpot dinner before heading over to Kira's one last time! We went over to say our final goodbyes and I certainly did cry. (Kira cried first!!) I hated having to say goodbye to her little girls, they are so sweet and so crazy and so much fun! I love them to pieces too! Then I had to so my goodbyes to Kira. She really is my best friend I will miss her like crazy! Her family is so special to me. After pulling myself together, we walked over to another third floor apartment. My friend Ashley just moved into our complex so we helped them unpack their moving truck up to the third floor. We had a late pizza lunch with Ashley and Krystal's families and Macy got to play with Krystal's kids. Darin and I ran some errands: the bank, Kohl's, gym, WalMart and back home. Queue a late dinner with Ashley and Josh. I had made some Turkey and Dumplings from the Thanksgiving leftovers and I figured that they would be too busy unpacking to both with a nice dinner. Then Darin and I ended our busy week by watching the first Hobbit movie all snuggled up on the couch. <3

Free Bread Machine
Kira gave me her old bread machine before she left, so I cleaned it up today after church and tried it out. We now have a nice loaf of wheat bread after I scoured the internet for an instruction manual. I am excited to put my new-old bread machine to good use. Dr. Darin did some practicing by taking my vitals and checking me for problems. This coming week is finals so he has been studying A LOT! I finished out my day making some Chocolate/Hazelnut Thumbprint cookies and watching the Biggest Loser with Darin! (Did you catch the irony?? Yes.)

Sorry for the super long post, it has been a VERY busy week! Till next time!!

After The Breaking Point

All I have to say is, thank you. Thank you to those of you who have shared your love, stories and encouragement. I am overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to me since my last post. I have never felt this much love and support. It saddens me to know that so many of you have trials like mine, but your faith and wisdom has lifted me up. I am truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I have no doubt that the Lord saved certain special people for this point in my life. He sent them into my life to guide me, love me and lift me up. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

So again, all I have to say to you is Thank You.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

The Breaking Point

I wrote this about a week ago and decided to sit on it for a little while. I wrote it for my benefit and doing so has helped me immensely, but now its time to share it with you. So here it goes:

Life is full to the brim with morals to stories. Everyone focuses on what they learned from their trials and they always share those lessons after the fact. They are always uplifting and give hope and faith to those who listen.  Right now, you are going to hear a story that has no moral. The story hasn’t found its end yet.

It is my story.

It starts five years ago when I married Darin. Oh my heavens, did I love that boy! And I have grown to love him more every single day. Don’t get me wrong, there were days I didn’t want to love him. We have struggled with our relationship and keeping it afloat. But here we are, five years later and I love him more than ever. He is the best person for me to share my life with.

But this story isn’t about us as a couple, it is about us as a family. Our little family of two (plus a dog). I was 19 when we got married and everyone asked us if we would have kids right away. I used to joke that even though I was married, I didn’t want to be a teen mother. So we waited. We spent our first 1 ½ years in Rexburg, ID. I graduated from cosmetology school and he got his freshman and sophomore years of college done. Then we moved on to Provo, UT for Darin to finish his Bachelor’s. Shortly after moving to Provo the time came. With a lot of coercion from me, the goalie was fired and we dropped ourselves into the “We are trying!” category. We weren’t going crazy with trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. Darin was still pretty scared and it was nerve racking for both of us. We decided to just let nature do its thing. Months passed and I had a brief encounter with a hemorrhagic cyst on one of my ovaries. It was nothing to be concerned about, I was told it would go away and that it wouldn't leave any damage.

Then we came to the one year mark. The dreaded YEAR. The goalie had been fired a year prior and there was nothing new. 

Then two years passed…

 and then three.

Three years of my life have been spent in this constant state of wondering. I know some of you might be wondering, have we been tested? What have we done to improve our chances? Testing is a lot of money and Darin has no insurance. And for those of you who have had issues with getting pregnant know, scheduled sex is about the least sexy thing to think about. However, we have just started on the scary path of being tested. (So far, so good)

A month hasn’t passed when I haven’t been sad. Somehow I have always remained hopeful and I hate it. Part of me wishes that I could just let go and not care. It would be easier than dealing with this kind of pain. But here I am every month, just as hopeful as the month before. And I am always disappointed.

People always say that it will happen when you stop worrying about it. This is my response:  I can’t stop, I can’t let it go. I wish with all my heart that I could let it go. But I want to have children. I have this pit in my stomach that knows MY children are up in heaven waiting to come to us. There is a part of my heart that they are holding. I won’t be complete until I can hold my babies in my arms.

Today was the breaking point that has been a week in the making. I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t get it out of my mind. And I am sitting here with my head literally spinning. I can barely sit in my chair for fear of falling out of it. I am dizzy, I am crying and I feel utterly empty.

This is the breaking point.

I am sick and tired to pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I am sick and tired of acting like it doesn't matter. It matters to me.

I am sick and tired of being hopeful. I am hopeful.

I am sick of shoving my pain deep down inside because I know that there are people in this world who have bigger trials than me. I have always put it away and never dealt with it. But I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe sharing it with you will help me deal with it.

I am ashamed, and I don’t know why.

I so desperately want to be a mother.

So there it is. There is no moral to this story. It is just the story of me reaching my breaking point.

I am broken.

However, there are a few things I can be certain of. I have the love of an amazing, supportive husband. I have the love of my wonderful family. I have incredible friends who have been an unwavering strength to me (even though most of them don’t know this part of my story). I also have the best dog in the world. She is so intuitive and (as anyone who has met her can attest) she is sweeter than pie. She has been my constant companion.

But most importantly, I have the love of my Savior. He is the only one who truly knows my struggles and knows how I feel. No matter how broken I am, I always feel His love for me.

If there is any moral to this story, it isn't for me. It is for you. Here is your take-away: Never, ever ask someone if/when/how they will have children. Don’t ask when their next kid is coming. Don’t ask why they don’t have one yet. Don’t ask them why they don’t have more. Don’t ask them anything about their plans for children. It is absolutely NONE of your business. There are some people who are completely open and some who are not. Let them dictate when and what they share. Asking them before they are ready to share could make them a liar. And I have lied to people. I have said that we aren't trying, that we aren't sure when we will have kids, or that we want to wait. It was my choice to lie. But I beg of you, don’t put them in that place where they have to choose between lying or telling you before they are ready. And if you know someone in this kind of situation, don't tell them "Oh, I'm sure you will have kids!" You aren't sure, you don't know. 

But now that this is out in the open, please don't be afraid to talk to me. I am a fairly open book in most respects. I think I am afraid that people will treat me differently or tread lightly on the topic of children. I once had had a friend apologize to me because she was pregnant (no joke). I am always happy when my amazing friends have babies. Children are a wonderful blessing. I will have my chance to be a mother one way or another. 

God never promised any of us that our faith and righteousness will keep us free from trials. He promised us that through our righteousness and through our Savior, we will have happiness beyond comprehension. 

Just a some pictures from our 5th Anniversary in August

What's New in the Life of Him, Her and the Dog??

Well it has been an awful long time since my last post which practically makes me the worst blogger EVER! Life has been so crazy and we have been up to so many different things that I hardly have a second to myself to even think about blogging! And if I do end up with a minute to spare, it's usually spent on the couch with Goldfish or some other snack and a disc of Friends. (If you don't know me at all, then you don't know how much I LOVE the TV show Friends!) But I have a few minutes to spare today, Darin and Macy are both asleep on the couch. After church we came home and I made lunch followed shortly by a little adventure around this pond/lake thing in the woods by Target. However, there is a sink full of dirty dishes that are trying to guilt trip me. But do not despair, I am committed to recapping the events of the last month!

So after our hike to Muddy Fork, which is chronicled in my last post, we took a little trip to California to visit my family. It was a last minute trip but super fun! We got to spend time with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, my niece Evie and my nephew Aaron. We also got to see some of my extended family which is always awesome! Also, I met up with my high school friend Rachele and her husband for some fro-yo. I can't believe it has been over 6 years since I have seen most of my high school friends! I didn't get a picture of me and Rachele, I can't believe I forgot! But here are some of the pictures I did manage to take on our trip!

View of Crater Lake from the plane on our way to Sac-Town

Darin and Aaron

Aaron and Grandpa

Darin and me at a River Cats game

Darin in his cute pink life jacket

Aaron and Grandma

Aaron and his Tia :) I love this boy!

Me and Aaron on the Tube

 We came home from Sacramento on the evening of the 4th of July. So we hurried home and then took off again to find somewhere to watch the fireworks. We managed to find a good spot near a high school that is famous around here for putting on a good show. Macy is surprisingly well behaved when it comes to fireworks so she got to tag along and cuddle up on our blanket!

Waiting for the show to start!

That same weekend we made plans with some friends to hit up Ski Bowl. It's a smaller ski resort in the area but in the summer they have some awesome activities. We found a Groupon for half-day admission so we took full advantage of that! They have an Alpine Slide (SO FUN!), rock wall, mini golf and all kinds of other fun things to do!

Darin and me on the lift at Ski Bowl with Mt Hood in the background

Alex and me waiting for the rock wall

The next fun thing we did was a trip to the beach! Some of Darin's school friends had been talking about going surfing and Darin really wanted to try it out. I surprised him and got a hotel for us so we could stay the night before surfing and have a nice, relaxing weekend by the ocean. We drove out to Seaside on Friday afternoon, went to the beach for an evening stroll, got fish and chips and just relaxed. The next morning we got up early to go rent Darin's wetsuit and surfboard then drove down to Short Sand Beach, which is known as a pretty good spot to surf! We invited some other friends too so we ended up as a pretty big group at the beach. Macy got to chase seagulls, run in the water, play with some kids and other dogs. She was so tired but she couldn't stop playing, it was just too much fun! Then after a long day at the beach, we took some friends and got pizza in Cannon Beach.

Here is Macy perched up in the window at the hotel

At the beach with Macy digging a hole

One of Darin's friends decided to help Macy dig!

One happy, tired and sandy puppy!

Heading out to hit the waves

Macy wanted to go out surfing with Daddy!

Darin found a crab out in the water

Darin paddling!

Macy and Darin playing the freezing water!

Crazy Macy!

Darin and his 9 1/2 foot board

Family Picture!

I hoped you enjoyed the little recap of the past month. We have been so lucky to be able to get out and do so much! Summer is such a fun time of year and we are loving our first summer here in Portland. Up next for us: Our 5th wedding anniversary (yep, FIVE!!), we might be going camping, Labor Day festivities, and who knows what else! Until next time, Cheers!

Gratitude, what a funny thing...

So funny story: I woke up this morning with an overwhelming amount of gratitude for my family. It isn't actually "funny," but it was unexpected (not that I shouldn't be grateful, but just because I haven't had a feeling quite like this before). So, I thought I would take a few minutes before I head off to work to tell everyone how grateful I am. I have some amazing parents, siblings and the best husband. My parents and I have butted heads a lot in the past, but I know I would not be the person I am if they hadn't pushed me there.
I don't think there are many people in this world who can say that their mom is their best friend. It wasn't always that way, but it is now. A mom should be a mom when her kids are young, and be a best friend when they grow up. And my mom has done exactly that. I can talk to my mom about pretty much anything and she is the only person on this planet who understands my quirky sense of humor (she should know, I got it from her). Even though we are completely different people and have different personalities, she and I have a very special bond that cannot be compared to anything else. She is my one and only mom.
My dad is quite the conundrum. But even though we drive each other up the wall, he still gives some pretty dang good advice and has this insane sixth sense about the world. He gives some of the best hugs in the world and always wants to spoil his little girl. :) I can't complain about that. My dad always pushed me to be better and gave me some of the best marriage advice ever, even though it wasn't till years later that I fully understood what he meant. He set an amazing example for my brothers about what it means to be the head of the household. And that led me to know what I wanted in a husband. He is my dad, and I am his favorite daughter.
As for my  brothers, they can be little devils a lot of the time. But I am proud to say that they are all good men and have grown up exceptionally well. I don't think I would be the person I am today if they hadn't mooned me constantly, shaved my Barbie's heads, made their GI Joes wage war on Barbie, and everything else they did to make me cry when I was little. They taught me to be tough. I don't think any girl could have come out of my family without some thick skin. And as much as I love my brothers, they have also given me three of the most amazing sisters-in-law. All of my brothers scored out of their league when it came to finding wives. They are all different and they all fit into our family perfectly. I never had any sisters of my own, but I am certainly grateful for the sisters-in-law that I have been blessed with.
There aren't enough words in the English language to express how much gratitude I have for my husband. He is an amazing example to me. I am an incomplete person on my own and he makes me whole. Although we are both stubborn as hell, we are finding a way to make it work. It is definitely hard and doesn't come without trial and error, but it is 100% worth every minute. He is a rock when I am tossed around in the sea and whenever I find my way to him, life gives me something to hold on to. I thank God every day for sending this wonderful man into my life.
It wouldn't be fair to not mention Macy. I know my mom is rolling her eyes right now as she reads this. She doesn't quite understand the happiness that dog has brought into my life. Macy has the sweetest disposition and she is the one that I can ALWAYS talk to. She gets me up in the mornings when I don't want to get up. She plays and cuddles and gives me kisses when I am sad. Even though she is a bit of a money pit (that dog is always getting into some kind of trouble), I am so happy that we got her and that she is the one we picked out instead of some different dog.

So to wrap all this up, all of these blessings come from one place. My Heavenly Father has given me the most amazing family and I thank Him for the way my life has turned out. It wasn't always what I thought I wanted, but I know He knows better and that I am where I am supposed to be. There is no one in existence who knows me better than my Father. I have an all-encompassing love for my family and I hope they read this, because I am not the best at expressing these things out loud. I love you guys and I can't wait to spend eternity with all of you. We are an eternal family.